My wife and I have three small children. Chinese friends often ask why three children, not one or none: Doesnt raising three children limit my career in business and in my wifes case, teaching?
The acronym1 DINK -- double income, no kids -- originated in the US in the 1960s. Fearing that children might constrain2 their freedom, married working women began to avoid pregnancy3; the result was many busy, prosperous young DINK couples. This choice was not irrational4. After all, nowadays retired5 people can live on their pensions and savings6, so they are no longer compelled to depend on their offspring in old age. And a child is undeniably an expensive proposition: so much time and money are required. Why bother having one? It is hard to condemn7 those who opt8 out of parenthood. And in China their decisions are perfectly9 in keeping with the drive to limit population growth.
Yet few couples with children would agree that they were stupid to become parents. Most are very happy that they have had the experience of witnessing a child grow to maturity10. A baby enters the world with a mind like blank paper, and gradually he or she acquires the ability to think, to talk and finally to communicate easily. Isnt there something magical about it? When you see the process happening before your very eyes, you feel a happiness like no other.
A Chinese DINK said to me recently, If you didnt have three children, you could go to a bar or the cinema with your wife on weekends -- how unrestrained and romantic that would be! But I would say that no matter how wonderful Hollywood films or Broadway performances are, watching them is far less interesting than seeing my extrovert11 of a daughter sing and dance. If its true that there are rewards to be gotten from having children, then surely the happiness of seeing them grow up is the greatest. Another Chinese friend of mine complained: I provided the funds for my child to go to college and then off to America for a masters degree, but so far I havent gotten any rewards out of playing parent. To him I would say that the rewards were there all along -- for any parent open to the wonder of seeing a child begin to speak, or surprise us with a new word used for the first time.
But this is a happiness that can be felt only after you become a parent; theres no appreciating it otherwise. However, who begets12 a child out of curiosity to see him or her grow up? None of my friends had this in mind when they or their wife got pregnant. For some the pregnancy was unexpected. Others had parents eager to have grandchildren. A few said they had children because a persons life would be incomplete without one. Some said that there were millions and millions of children in the world and they just wanted to see what theirs would be like. And some said that having a child can bring stability to a troubled marriage -- but is that really true? I myself didnt give it much thought. I just assumed it was the natural thing to do, and since my wife enjoyed big, cheerful, lively families, we went ahead and had three kids. No regrets.
I know my words wont change any minds. What DINKs say is obviously true: children really do require lots of parental13 energy and money. Just watch a mother bring a sick child to a hospital; you can see the tension, the worry, and all the self-control it takes to seem calm and reassuring14. No, raising a child is not easy. The happiness of seeing a child grow, in contrast, is largely in the mind of the parents, and other people cannot so readily perceive it. Indeed, if I were not writing on this subject for the BeijingYouthDaily, I would be very unlikely to go around telling all and sundry15 how happy I am to be the father of my trio. Little wonder, then, that so many people without children believe parenthood is all work and no fun.
I repeat: each inpidual has his or her own reasons for wanting or not wanting children, and his or her own happiness to build. The saddest people are those who have children but come to regret it, for whatever reason. Regretful parents are usually closed to family happiness. And without the happiness, all that remain are the burdens. This kind of family is frequently rocked by conflict, and porce often ends the story. So any couple who want a child should first be confident that their marriage is sound. Children deserve better than to be the victims of marital16 crisis.
我和老婆有三个孩子，中国朋友常问大家，为何要三个孩子而不是一个或根本不要？养育三个孩子是否会影响我们两个事业的进步？
丁克家庭起来自于上个世纪六十年代的美国。因为担忧孩子会限制我们的自由，结了婚的职业女人开始避孕，结果是出现了很多忙忙碌碌而事业有成的丁克夫妇。这种选择并不是不理性。要了解，现在退休后可以靠养老金和积蓄过日子，而不再像过去那样，老时需要依赖子女。再说，养育孩子是件高投入的事，这一点无可不承认需要付出那样多的时间和资金。那何必费心劳神要孩子呢？大家非常难指责那些决定不当爸爸妈妈的夫妇。在中国，他们的决定与实行控制人口增长的国策是完全一致的。
不过，在有孩子的夫妇中，极少有人赞成他们当了爸爸妈妈是犯傻的看法，绝大部分都特别高兴自己能亲眼目睹一个孩子走向成熟。一个婴儿来到人世，其头脑就像一张白纸，日渐地，他能考虑了，能说话了，最后，能与人不费力气地交流了，这难道不是非常神奇吗？当这个神奇的过程就发生在眼前，你会感到一种无可比拟的快乐。
近期，一位中国丁克对我说：你如果没三个孩子，周末与太太去夜店或电影院那多自在、多浪漫啊！可我要说，无论好莱坞的影片、百老汇的表演多么精彩，都远不如看我那活泼外向的小女儿又唱又跳有趣。假如说养育孩子确有回报的话，看着他们长大所感觉到的乐趣就是最大的回报。另一位中国朋友向我抱怨道：我供孩子上了大学，又供他去美国读硕士学位，可到目前为止我还没有从为人爸爸妈妈中得到任何回报。对他的抱怨，我会说，回报早就有啦任何乐于看孩子开口说话、或看孩子首次用了某个词汇而引起惊喜的爸爸妈妈，都能获得这种回报。
但这种快乐只有当你当了爸爸妈妈之后才能感觉到，不然不可能真的领会。可是，有哪个要孩子是出于想看孩子如何长大的好奇心呢？在我的朋友当中，没一个是如此想的。有人怀孕是不期而至，有些是因为我们的爸爸妈妈急于想抱孙子，有些说要孩子是由于没孩子生活就不完整，有些说世上有亿万儿童，就想了解我们的孩子是什么样，还有些说，孩子能让有问题的婚姻稳定果真这样吗？我本人倒是没太考虑要孩子的原因，只不过感觉这是一件自然而然的事，而且我老婆喜欢活泼欢快的大伙庭，于是就要了三个孩子。大家乐在其中，丝毫不悔。
我了解我的话不会让其他人改变想法。丁克们说的显然是实情：孩子需要爸爸妈妈付出很多精力和资金。看看一位妈妈带孩子去看病的情形吧：她紧张，忧虑，还要自我克制以看上去镇静，让孩子安心。是的，养育孩子绝不是易事。与这种每人看得见的操劳相比，看着一个孩子成长感觉到的快乐存在于爸爸妈妈的心中，其他人没办法随便感觉到。事实上，要不是为《北京年轻人报》就这一题目写文章，我不会逢人便说做三个孩子的爸爸是多么幸福，而那样多没孩子的人觉得当爸爸妈妈就只意味着辛劳而无任何乐趣也是不足为怪的。
说来讲去，要孩子还是不要孩子，每一个人都有我们的理由，有自己所追求的快乐。最为不幸的是那些有了孩子但出于某种缘由却又后悔的人。这类后悔的爸爸妈妈总是不可以感觉到家庭快乐。而没了快乐，剩下的就全是负担了。这种家庭常常会被冲突所动摇，总是以离婚结束。所以，任何想要孩子的夫妇第一应确信其婚姻是稳定的。孩子不该成为婚姻危机的牺牲品，他们理应拥有更好的生活。